I do anti-racism like a capitalist

When you do anti-racism instead of being an anti-racist, this is a clue that you’re doing it like a capitalist.

When your anti-racist practice is not practice, but a series of expectations you put on yourself and then beat yourself up if you can’t meet them all, this is a clue that you’re doing it like a capitalist.

When anti-racism feels like a list of actions you can check off and then give yourself permission to climb one more rung on the ladder out of your white ignorance on your way up towards white enlightenment, this is a clue.

When anti-racism has you in a state of low-level anxiety constantly because every time you open Instagram you realize there is more you should be reading and doing and saying and apologizing for and getting right and then posting about, this is a clue.

When you need people to know you are doing anti-racism work, this is a clue.

When you have a defense at the ready for anyone who might criticize your lack of anti-racism, this is a clue.

When your anti-racism does not include the fact that you still have racism in you, this is a clue.

When you go to bed at night with all the lingering nagging of all the things you left unfinished, beating yourself up because you’re not doing enough, this is a clue.

When anti-racism is about public accomplishment, this is a clue.

When it’s about buying more books for your bookshelf, donating more money, patting yourself on the back for your effort, this is a clue.

When anti-racism is more about you than anyone else, this is a clue.

Anti-racism is not defined solely by your actions. Actions are an outgrowth, a doing that results from an internal state of being.

Anti-racism is a change of heart, a renewal of the mind, a confession of the soul (Ibram X. Kendi), an expression of the body.

If we perform anti-racism, we run the risk of this work “being a waystation and not a way of life.” (Gloria Anzaldua, The Coatlicue State)

You can’t do it before you become it.

You become it by letting the old ways fall apart.

Because if you “do” anti-racism with the same tools given to you by the systems of oppression, you will only end up creating more systems of oppression (Audre Lorde).

Lay down your old tools.

Open your hands.

Let yourself feel the discomfort of not knowing what to do, of having empty hands, and be with it.

If you can be with yourself in all of your contradictions, you can begin to be with others.

If you can do your best while still acknowledging you can do better, you’ve left the ladder for the spiral path.

This is the beginning of becoming an anti-racist.

This is the work of becoming a better human so we can be better to all the humans (Austin Channing Brown).